Any person who has developed an interest in optimizing their health as well as correcting existing imbalances and/or disadvantageous physical conditions will inevitably seek getting bloodwork done.
Despite it seeming like an objectively simple process, it somehow ends up being an arduous trial for most, especially (in the context of PED-related health markers, etc.) men—and for all the wrong reasons to boot.
Picture this: You’re feeling under the weather, fatigue is only getting worse by the day, your motivation is starting to wane and your physique seems to be deteriorating even though you’re doing everything correctly while adhering to your program down to the letter.
You eventually reach the point where you decide to have blood drawn in order to figure out what the fuck might be going wrong behind the scenes. You call the doctor’s office and book an appointment. By now, thanks to the abundance of quality information online, you most probably have developed your ability to distinguish fact from “broscience” and you have a decent understanding of human physiology, what blood tests you should get, which markers to pay attention to and the basic gist of how to interpret the results—some of you may even have a few “cycles” under your belts, something that should have led to an even better insight of the aforementioned things.
So you ask the doctor for a comprehensive list of health markers that will give you the full picture of your current state and wellbeing, no bullshit and missing markers left for later. At that moment, the doctor takes off their glasses and gives you the look of a person whose home you were invited to and dared to utterly and unforgivably offend. A look of anger and disdain, as if someone came to challenge their absolute, unquestionable authority.
From that point, three things usually take place: the doctor may (1) ask “Who told you to get these done?”, (2) tell you “We don’t prescribe x and y unless z is off” (which is a waste of everyone’s time, yet they insist on doing it), or (3) downright refuse and even insult you to your face.
The sheer amount of identical reports makes it pretty clear that the majority of doctors refuse to help patients who are properly educated and seek to further improve their health. It always baffled me but it’s a fact. We can sit around the campfire roasting marshmallows and have long talks about the moralistic aspect of this phenomenon, how the world is so mean and how the doctors are bad and incompetent, but I personally choose to simply accept the harsh reality of this mortal coil and adapt to it as efficiently as possible in order to achieve my goals.
Without delving into the specifics of a doctor’s God complex (which would require an entire essay of its own) more than necessary, I will make an attempt to help you effectively navigate the insane hellscape known as “doctor’s appointment”. I’d like to clarify that I’m not providing a “handbook” on how to get from point A to point B, I’m simply sharing the distilled essence and analyses of stories and field reports I myself and many others have experienced. Call it swapping notes, if you will. It’s up to you to assess this info and figure out how to use it to your advantage.
Without further ado…
1. Lie about “who” told you to get the extra bloodwork
I know I literally just said I won’t get into an in-depth analysis on the God complex (lmao), but I feel like this one requires a bit of prefacing. You have to understand that the majority of doctors do not give the slightest fuck about the field of medicine and the wellbeing of patients. Most of them simply chose this career for the social prestige that comes with the occupation. They were probably raised in middle-high class homesteads where their parents constantly indoctrinated them, telling them shit along the lines of “You HAVE to become a doctor, everyone will love/respect you”. And so they did…
These people have a certain narcissistic image of their profession that is deeply connected to their ego and has become ingrained to their identities and self-perception. Anything that challenges that image—in this case the existence of informed individuals—offends them like Hell; from their POV, it’s deep and personal. So, since their prestige and image matter so much to them, what can you do?
If you say you want x and y, you will be disregarded for being an outsider, someone with no bearing on the medical field whatsoever. However, if you say that your orthopedic/general practitioner/physical therapist/urologist/etc. asked for those markers, then they are faced with the judgement of their peers. Most of them immediately lose their bark and agree to give you the bloodwork you requested, simply out of fear of others spreading words that paint them in a negative manner.
If they ask why the other doctor couldn’t prescribe the bloodwork, remind them that not all practitioners are allowed to prescribe all kinds of bloodwork (in European countries, at least). Otherwise, say they’re on vacation, on a sick leave…whatever. Just use common sense and come up with an excuse. Ideally, try to find an actual doctor (ask friends/family or sth) that can back up your claims if need be.
2. Say that your “previous doctor” who left the country or whatever used to prescribe bloodwork like that and you prefer this method because it saves you both time
This directly ties in to the previous entry but I chose to add it separately as I have received several reports of people using it as a standalone means of getting bloodwork prescribed. This is one of the less manipulative ways to go about it and honestly, in my personal experience, not as effective as the first one, which is a more delicate iteration of this method, but I digress. It works best on doctors who have a certain degree of integrity, but those types may help you anyway without the deployment of manipulation tactics. Give it a shot and hope you’re lucky.
3. Lie about your “symptoms”
Not my preferred method for obvious reasons, but it has worked for some people. Simply Google symptoms related to the markers you want tested, make a comprehensive list, figure out the potential interactions between each marker and start talking about the symptoms. Follow up by requesting the desired biomarkers and say that’s what you usually check (if they ask why your usual doctor couldn’t do it, refer to #1). Some doctors may give you what you asked for, while others may ignore you and prescribe completely random shit or—worst case scenario—say you’re hypochondriac, refuse to give you any bloodwork at all and advise you to visit a psychologist instead. Be wary when using this method.
4. Say you have a deathly fear of needles so you want to get blood drawn only once
I was surprised with how effective this method seems to be considering how silly it sounds (at least it’s claimed to be so). Simply feign fear and say “I want to get everything done at once because in the past, I had to do bloodwork 5 times and I passed out on 3 of them”. This puts the doctor into a position of power but you effectively trick them into believing that the ego they hold so high is validated. Hence, there’s a high chance you will get what you asked for.
If they refuse, act scared like an annoying little kid at daycare and whine until they agree to prescribe the bloodwork so that you will shut up. This is generally a good tip when dealing with unhelpful types; busting people’s balls will make them give you what you want so you leave them alone. Besides, no one can blame a patient who has a deathly fear of needles for acting like that in today’s hypersensitive, pampered society. Use that shit to your advantage.
5. Find a doctor whose name doesn’t seem “local”
Some people may call me racist or whatever for this, but this method has worked very consistently for many people. Thus, I’m obliged to include it. Like all of you who might think “this sounds familiar”, I first became aware of it from a MorePlatesMoreDates x PsychedSubstance podcast. Several people gave it a shot and reported back to me, the success rate was almost 100%, something I’ve never seen before. The reason? They don’t give a fuck, they are migrants/expats (perhaps fellow strugglers would be appropriate, too) who just wanna make a living.
Keep in mind that most of those doctors had shady titles like “biomagnetic synchronist” on their office door plates, which is a good reminder of a truth you must never forget: an incompetent person who is willing to follow your commands is a billion times more useful than an incompetent person who is not.
6. Be upfront, honest and demand that they do what you’re paying them to do
As sad as it may be, this method has the lowest universally reported success rate, despite logically being the one that should work best. Regardless, the premise is this: if the doctor refuses to prescribe all the bloodwork biomarkers you want, you just insist and demand they do it anyway. If they still refuse, remind them that you have every right to get them done and that this is why you’re paying them in the first place (even if it’s a mere visitation fee). If the doctor hasn’t agreed by now then all you can do is be annoying, hoping they’ll give you what you want so you’ll leave them alone. Ye, it sucks, but what can I say…
7. Say you’re using PEDs because you’re pursuing a career in professional bodybuilding and you need to have a complete overview of your health and the effect of the compounds you’re using on your health
Now, in a rational world the doctor would say “Hmm, sounds good! Wise of you to look into that stuff.”, but in the REAL world, the fatty who has never lifted a single weight in their miserable lives sitting on the other side of the table will likely stare at you like you’re a heroin addict and utter scum of society, saying that you must immediately discontinue using that stuff before you die. To add insult to injury, there is a possibility that if you’re actually enhanced, you could have issues with your health insurance. In most cases a doctor will just refuse service, but it’s something to keep in mind.
Honestly, this is not so much a method of getting bloodwork prescribed as it is a method to “vet” doctors and hopefully find someone you can work with long-term, which I will get into more detail in the next entry. If they agree and prescribe what you need, consider yourself very lucky, because you probably solved the bloodwork problem long-term.
8. (Ultimate Solution) Be patient until you find a doctor who is willing to work with you
The ideal (and hopefully final) solution to all that shit is to contact a fuckton of doctors. Eventually, you will stumble upon someone who is understanding, non-judgemental and willing to spend a few seconds of their life writing some goddamn words on a piece of paper to save you money and most importantly, time.
Personally, after a LOOONG time I was able to find someone like that and now I can simply request any bloodwork I want, whenever I want. The only thing I’m expected to do is pay the visitation fee and that’s that. No time wasted, no need for manipulation, no nothing. If you’re willing to put in the effort and to be upfront about what you need, then you should finally find someone as well, as many have.
9. (Bonus) Give up and get your bloodwork done privately
This is obviously BY FAR the least cost-effective strategy and is recommended only for two scenarios:
- if you have a degree of financial freedom that allows you to not stress over all that bullshit and
- if, for whatever reason, you need the bloodwork done ASAP and you don’t have time to go through the process of finding a doctor willing to help you out. Maybe you screwed up your cycle and now you’re feeling suicidal, maybe you didn’t do a PCT properly and your dick isn’t working… Could be a number of things but, ultimately, you’re in a position where time is of the essence. If this sounds like you and you ABSOLUTELY cannot wait, then you might as well go ahead and do this, granted you keep trying to find a doctor you’ll be able to work with in order to ensure that you won’t find yourself in a similar situation in the future.
Fortunately, there’s been a rise in facilities that offer this service in more and more competitive prices as time passes, which I believe is a very good sign for the future of the fitness niche in general.
One such facility is Synergistic Labs (if you live in the US). You buy a test and receive your requisition via email within 24 hours of purchase. Then, you print the lab requisition form and bring it to your nearest Labcorp facility. Synergistic Labs will receive your results within 2-10 business days and will email them as soon as they receive them. That’s it!
So there’s that. As you can see there is no perfect solution with the exception of #8, and even that may be temporary in some cases because people often relocate, etc. The mere fact that there is no true solution goes to show how deeply flawed the healthcare system around the world is.
I personally believe bloodwork should be more accessible and patient-led and that there should be more available options/means of getting it other than just maneuvering through a corrupted, incompetent system that views patients/clients the same way an Indian conman views a tourist when trying to sell them fake cashmere for 90x the actual price, only to act offended when the person understands that they’re being swindled and calls them out. I find it insane that there are parts of the world where literal children can receive HRT to change sexes without parental supervision while we struggle to convince some old guy to let us check our LH count…
In any case, thanks for reading and keep mogging.
Reject your Humanity
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